| Author | Message | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 332 Registered: 05-2005 |
Revised last stanza: Between finger prick and pain, after elevator ding and before ribcage- door slides open, bumble bees rumble in her father’s stomach, unicorns fly with cows amidst ducts and pipes behind ceiling tile. He dreams of diving in the river, how the waterline passes along his plunging passage; how it feels each time he unhooks his wife’s bra. The masked conductor raises his razor, stabs the silence of science, directs the dancing gods and elves, stops the heart while the bypass feeds his body like a freeway surrounds urban decay. This is not the razing of buildings and concrete renewal. No, this is all the trees on all the streets blooming the spirit of spring during one winter’s night. In the test patience room, the patient’s daughter feels him trickle away when the muscle stops, wills him back even though he is brain-alive. She’s unconvinced of how slow light travels, skeptical of the conservation of energy, unsure bypassed death is the same as life: quite sure this stainless baton does more than direct the beat of her father’s time. Original Between finger prick and pain, after elevator ding and before ribcage- door slides open, bumble bees rumble in her father’s stomach, unicorns fly with cows amidst ducts and pipes behind ceiling tile. He dreams of diving in the river, how the waterline passes along his plunging passage; how it feels each time he unhooks his wife’s bra. The masked conductor raises his razor, stabs the silence of science, directs the dancing gods and elves, stops the heart while the bypass feeds his body like a freeway surrounds urban decay. This is not the razing of buildings and concrete renewal. No, this is all the trees on all the streets blooming the spirit of spring during one winter’s night. In the test patience room, the patient’s daughter feels him trickle away when the muscle stops, wills him back even though he isn’t gone. She’s unconvinced of how slow light travels, skeptical of the conservation of energy: quite sure this stainless baton does more than direct the beat of her father’s time. | ||
| Chuck Levenstein
Valued Member Username: chucklev Post Number: 275 Registered: 12-2001 |
Amazing -- my brother just went into surgery to get an aortic aneurism patched and a new valve -- today! Thank you for this poem -- Chuck http://www.niederngasse.com http://chucklit.blogspot.com http://hartfordgazette.blogspot.com | ||
| Michael MV
Senior Member Username: michaelv Post Number: 1178 Registered: 11-2003 |
Not much time, now, but then this one for the short list doesn't need much surgery  Michael (MV) | ||
| J. Bescup
Advanced Member Username: jbescup Post Number: 119 Registered: 09-2003 |
Wow, this is stellar. unicorns fly with cows amidst ducts and pipes ; what a fnaciful description of our insides, I adore it. There's a lot in here to bite into. It's like a sandwhich with everything on it. TASTY! | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 792 Registered: 08-2004 |
steve, very impressive emotion written here. enjoyed the music and visuals throughout. perhaps another way of saying she is unconvinced would work here. ((smile))) Karen | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 3099 Registered: 12-2003 |
Steve, this has nerve and heart, no pun intended. A very strong write. One suggestion, maybe change razor to scalpel; "raises his razor" has good sound but razors shave and scalpels stab and slice.  K | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 7084 Registered: 07-2001 |
Between finger prick and pain, after elevator ding and before ribcage- door slides open, bumble bees rumble in her father’s stomach, unicorns fly with cows amidst ducts and pipes behind ceiling tile. He dreams of diving in the river, how the waterline passes along his plunging passage; how it feels each time he unhooks his wife’s bra. Such a surreal start to then slid into reality. Yes to scapel. Yes the poem. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House Winter 2006 MindFire | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 334 Registered: 05-2005 |
Chuck, yes amazing is a good word. We overheard a conversation in the hospital cafeteria, "those heart doctors do magic on the fifth floor." "no," replies the nurse, "those doctors do miracles." Thx Michael, for the kind words, still working on this piece though. And J appreciate your enthusiasm--nice to see Karen/Kathy, you have some good points, will work them in on the next revision (i've already got some ideas percolating in my brain, but have a sick daughter, and an uncooperative contractor working on the kitchen, etc. sigh) and gary, thx as always for your gentle observations, i did think of scalpel but wanted to focus on the razor edge, the actual part that cuts, hmm. will rethink, thx to kathy again for the notion. s | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6869 Registered: 11-1998 |
Thanks for this one, love. It touches my heart (no pun intended) among other things (soul, spirit, etc.). As to the razor vs. scalpel discussion, I lean in the direction of razor. I have two reasons for this. One is the alliteration with "raises" and also with "razing" that comes some lines later. The second based on the fact that scalpel would be the expected word. When I read this, I immediately thought "razor's edge." While Kathy certainly has a point about razors shaving, I think a lot of psychologists would concur that razors also cut given the number of suicides that choose this particular method. The other line that I thought quite witty and perceptive was this one: "In the test patience room, the patient’s" I think there ought to be an ordinance changing all hospital "waiting" rooms to "test patience" rooms. We certainly had our patience (along with many other things) tested that day. *sigh* I also enjoyed the introduction of bumblebees and flying unicorns and cows here. That bit of surrealness and those flights of fancy were a good misdirection in the beginning. The reader really has no idea that the rest of the verses will turn deathly serious. I also loved this: "This is not the razing of buildings and concrete renewal. No, this is all the trees on all the streets blooming the spirit of spring during one winter’s night." Never expected this in a poem about open heart surgery. The blooming is quite comforting and uplifting. A beautiful image. I have looked carefully and I really see nothing else to nit here. It is a wise and perceptive poem. It makes me remember that day and thank the universe (again) that all turned out all right. Much Love, M | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 336 Registered: 05-2005 |
Hi all ok so here is a revision that i think clears up the final stanza a bit. thx to each for your time reading s | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 794 Registered: 08-2004 |
wonderful steve! I really love the picture-story in this poem. well done! (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 3104 Registered: 12-2003 |
Steve, no scalpels, sigh, I like the razor too, as I said before the sound. So how about lacerates or slices instead of stabs. Okay, I'll go away now. KWild Flowers | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 4169 Registered: 07-2002 |
Steve, A well realized piece here. I have only 2 crits, but they may reflect a matter of style more than anything else. Here were the places were I was pulled out of the read, aware that I was reading a poem: The masked conductor raises his razor, stabs the silence of science, In the test patience room, the patient’s daughter feels him trickle away In the first example, I think it is the conflict between the images of a masked conductor wielding a blade that tripped me. In the second example, I think I prefer the simple 'his daughter' even though it sacrifices the alliteration and the word play. Trust that the reader will see the irony with 'test patience'. Other than these two places, a brilliant read, Steve. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 337 Registered: 05-2005 |
Hi Karen thx for coming back and liking this Hi Kathy no, no. always stay, no need to go away I talked to M about that word and she is leaning the other way. We both think it has advantages metaphorically as well as the sonics. Also, I was more into the actual edge of the instrument than the name of the instrument, that is many things, knives, scalpels, exacto knifes all have a razor's edge. anyhow, i think your point is quite valid but i'm not ready to make a change, sigh. thx again Hi Lisa well, i was going for a sense of the surreal in the words and the language, thinking that with some wordplay and sonics the piece would be a little too 'bouncy' for the subject matter. The reason was about how it feels to sit in a hospital waiting room while miracles are being performed next door. it is such an unreal, nervous state of being. being there, seeing doctors come out and talk to families, (in one case the news was not good) while all along in the background are the sounds of cartoons. you have to force yourself to return to the moment because its so easy to just drift away and forget where and why you're there... anyhow, as for the 'patient's' thing, i'll talk to M some more and see what she thinks. I expect i'll have to stand back and let the two of you fight it out thx much for the time spent s | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1992 Registered: 11-2004 |
Steve~ I love a poem that transports me and in this case, I feel myself traveling from the surreal to super-real. What an interesting trip. Skillfully done. take care~dale | ||
| Sis
Moderator Username: djclowes Post Number: 270 Registered: 11-1998 |
Hi Steve, you open and close with power: Between finger prick and pain, after elevator ding and before ribcage- door slides open... ...unsure bypassed death is the same as life: quite sure this stainless baton does more than direct the beat of her father’s time." wolf hugs Sis |
